>Courtesy of The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel: A burglar dropped his pants while trying to flee the home of an “old, fat bartender.” If that wasn’t peculiar enough, the burglar also forgot the old rule that many of us were taught in school: “never go outside without clean underwear.”

According to police, an officer found “a large quantity of fecal matter on the interior of the pants,” according to the police report. On the threshold of the door, too. And on the porch.

And if any of you out there are aspiring porn directors, here’s a scenario for you:

The burglar then rushed up the stairs and attempted to get past the 250-pound Rieger [the bartender]. The homeowner grabbed the intruder and pinned him against a wall, Rieger said. Rieger’s wife, Lori, had been asleep upstairs and heard the struggle. She saw the two men near the front door and called 911.

Rieger got the intruder in a bear hug, a hold he has used as a bartender at the Knights of Columbus Hall in West Bend to stop patrons from fighting, he said. The two fell to the floor.
“I’m an old, fat bartender,” the 5-foot, 8-inch Rieger said in explaining how he pinned the younger man to the floor. “I laid on top of him.” Hoppe [The burglar] is described in reports as 6 foot 1, weighing 160 pounds.

Rieger is 55. Hoppe is 18.

Barely Legal Burglars will be hitting the shelves next month.