Eurovision 2011 Final Wadde Hadde Dudde Da?

You lot outside of this hemisphere have no idea how difficult it is to dodge spoilers for this year. Chief culprit? The Australian Broadcasting Corporation! (SBS’s fellow state broadcaster!)

If Aunty wanted Eurovision, the time has long since passed.

Anyway, Julia & Sam give us their greetings from Duesseldorf. They say there is no clear favourite amongst 10 countries.

Swirls galore…FEEL YOUR HEART BEAT…Australian commentators getting drunk in their booth.

Rhine Trio give us their welcome, and Stefan is still loud, but I hope he’ll drop the sexism. They do give Australia a shout out. Stefan mentions that Lena can’t perform “Satellite,” because she’s competing. He then ropes in non-blonde and blonde Rhine Frauleins to perform it, and then does a rockabilly version of “Satellite.”

It’s pretty good, but I want him to do his 2000 number or bring on Guildo Horn.

Hilariously, they bring on 43 Lenas and the real one to join in.

So all the crap jokes were leading up to that one actual humourous moment.

The Rhine Frauleins show us how the arena was made Eurovision-worthy. Julia & Sam go on about the postcards. The Frauleins mention that Lena is the 3rd ever entrant to defend her title.

FINLAND
Sam calls Paradise Oskar the winner of Junior Eurovision. Half this lot could certainly fall into the same category. Anyway, PO sings his crappy dirge. Crowd goes crazy when the Earth appears. Stop encouraging him, Europe!

During the song, I realise that this year it probably is a race to get close to the top without winning.

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA
Sam calls Dino one of his favourites, but also doubts that he’s 48. I agree, but given what went down in BiH during the 1990s, he’s probably aged several decades. Still the same drinking song as before, but better than PO’s whinge. In this context, I rather like it.

DENMARK
Denmark is going to get a win before Sweden, because Europe seems to really like these Danish rock anthems. I think the lead of A Friend in London is the elder Jedward.

LITHUANIA
Sam doesn’t give Evelina that much hope. Neither does Julia, who also indirectly mentions that it’s very Andrew Lloyd Weber. Evelina does her ALW thing, complete with Sign Language! Julia isn’t terribly impressed.

HUNGARY
Julia & Sam love this song and the Michael Bolton joke. Well, I’m holding onto the Carrie Bickmore one. Kati is much better tonight than during the first qualifier. The portion in Hungarian is very clear and her English is equally clear. Hungary is also going to get a win before Sweden…if they manage to enter consistently.

Julia & Sam send us to adverts with a threat of an interview with Lena.

ADVERTS: Jason Donavan is Australian. SBS want you to know that.

Back from adverts we have Sam harassing Kati who likes Whitney Houston and Freddie Mercury…Julia gets Lena to admit that she didn’t want anyone to steal her thunder.

IRELAND
Julia & Sam have been sharing the same hotel as Jedward. Jedward is even more sharper than their qualifier but the running order is against them. Catchy as heck though! So would be happy with them winning even though RTE seriously doesnt need the aggro.

SWEDEN
Eric will look very sedate compared to Jedward. Sam gives Eric the Kiss of Death by calling it “a powerhouse performance.” Eric’s voice is still weak, and the homoerotic choreography works overtime to make up the difference. It still sounds like a bunch of a synth noise.

ESTONIA
There is no Rockefeller Street in New York, at least not in Manhattan. So I’m already writing this song off lyrically…unless they pretty much are inferring that the Rockefellers effectively owned New York. Argh! See this is why I don’t like English language songs, it makes me over think things. Anyway, Gettar from Glee does her thing with aplomb.

GREECE
Julia pretty much admits that the Greek voting bloc will make Australia declare Greece the winner. It’s pretty much the same as their qualifier, and bugger me, but Cyprus had the better “Greek” entry this year. Loukas performs the living daylights out of it, but Stereo Mike just mumbles. Julia calls it “like the end of Hamlet.”

RUSSIA
Julia really has it for Alexey. Well, his English pronunciation is better this time around. Considering that the producer behind Lady Gaga has also had his hands on this, I’m surprised it sounds ridiculously dated. Corny as.

FRANCE
Julia is nervous for Amaury. I wouldn’t mind Paris 2012. Amaury is alone onstage and lets the video wall really do its thing. I know Corsican and Italian are related, but with Italy following, I wouldn’t say that France is as strong a contender as before. Brilliant job, Amaury, nonetheless.

ITALY
Julia sums up the opinion of a lot of Eurovision fans when she says that Italy being back is worth celebrating. Raphael does the classic Italian Eurovision thing: performing a song excellently without making it look remotely difficult…even the screeching is perfect. If Italy stays in it for the next 2 or 3 contests, they will get a win on good will alone.

Julia & Sam sigh as we go to adverts.

ADVERTS: Heidi Klum makes “push up” rhyme with “pressure.”

Back from adverts, Julia harasses Raphael, who really wishes she’d leave him alone. She also harrases Amaury, who is too polite to say the same. Sam annoys Gettar.

SWITZERLAND
Julia & Sam call the song cute, but totally forget how the song goes. Lena Lite is really screwed by the running order. That is all.

UNITED KINGDOM
Sam doesn’t rank them much, but says it’s “muscles and no sleeves.” Lee starts off weak, and then…the song sounds like it’s been sliced and diced. They’re mostly in good voice, but geez they really need to start picking songs that can fit in the 3 minute requirement. Not as strong as they could’ve been.

MOLDOVA
Julia calls it a “hilarious song.” It’s also incomprehensible to any native Anglophone. Good performance though, not a step different from the qualifier.

GERMANY
Julia & Sam call the song “controversial.” I think it’s just quirkier. Lena minces about like she’s stoned while women in silver suits dance like ancient Egyptians. At one point, Lena just starts gargling. Makes no sense. Sam says the song goes nowhere. Yes, indeed.

ROMANIA
Julia wishes the song was in Romanian. I do too. Nonetheless, coming after Lena and her bag of crazy, anything seems very pedestrian. Hotel FM does the same thing as the qualifier, but again, they are coming on AFTER LENA.

AUSTRIA
Apparently Nadine is the sane German entry. Nadine glory notes her way through the song which pretty much involves her singing the phrase “the secret is love” over and over and over again. She wrote this herself, ergo I can only assume that she’s either being very vain with these glory notes or cover up her lack of versatility with English.

AZERBAIJAN
Oh, the lad does have facial hair. And the only Azerbaijani thing about this song are the performers. They pretty much do their qualifier performance, which borrows heavily from last year’s Danish entry as well as Alya’s last EMA entry. It’s not a bad performance, but its awfully derivative. Sam calls the lad “Charlie Pickering crossed with Ricky Ponting.” Ha!

SLOVENIA
Sam says “if you like big boots, this is the song for you.” Maja sings her song clearly, and pretty much attacks the stage in a way not seen previously since Aurela.

ICELAND
Julia & Sam repeat the sob story. It’s the milquetoast version of the Italian entry, and without the back story there’s really nothing remarkable about it. Catchy, without a doubt, but only the back story makes it interesting.

Julia & Sam promise backstage antics and Nina from Serbia.

ADVERTS: Apparently Australians have no idea what to do with their prescribed medicines, so much so that there’s a PSA!

Back from adverts: Julia & Sam freely admit that they want Serbia to win…Julia wonders how Iceland could even afford to host…

SPAIN
Julia & Sam pretty much write off the song. Indeed, Spain is the only one of the Big 5 to be off their game this year. It’s the standard Spanish “cute” song. Not aggressive like Soraya or Beth, but just cute. Lucia performs well, but no, Madrid 2012 isn’t going to happen. Nor could TVE afford it.

UKRAINE
More obsessive rambling by Julia about the sand artist. Did you read what I said about this last night? Well, the same applies except Mika makes a better attempt at English pronunciation.

SERBIA
Julia & Sam admit their bias. I freely admit mine as well as I’ve been in favour of it for quite some time. Nina does her thing a go-go and it’s still pretty charming, though the choreography still doesn’t fill the huge stage. If anything, I hope Nina puts an end to those dreary Serbian ballads.

GEORGIA
Julia & Sam gush over the postcard and Eldrine’s lead singer being the backing singer from last year. Eurovision 2011 will apparently end with thrash rock. The lead singer is also very nasal. The song seems to have lost its “wall of sound,” and now comes across a very weak wannabe rock-rap.

Julia and Sam seem happy that it’s over. I’m happy that they are talking over the Rhine Duo.

Recap: Finland whinge…BiH drinking song…Danish running anthem…Lithuanian Lloyd Weber…Hungary Bickmore has disco fun…Ireland Internationals…Swedish synth homoerotism…Estonian Glee…Greek scowling…Russia is dated…France attacks operatically…The return of flawless Italian casual performing…Swiss anonymity…UK seems off…Moldovan weirdness…German uber-weirdness…Romanian blandness…Austrian glory notes…Azerbaijani anonymity…Slovenia attacks…Iceland and their sob story…Spanish peppy blandness…Ukraine and their sand…Serbia a go-go…Georgia outdoes Turkey with Turkish rock.

They rerun that making of the postcards film again. Is that Coldplay playing behind it?

Well, I’m now taking the UK off the winners’ stakes, but I’m putting Italy and Ireland on the bullseye now.

Recap #2: I’m drinking Belgian (Flemish) beer now, and the beer doesn’t care to repeat itself, except to say WTF happened to the UK entry?

Now who amongst the broadcasters can afford to host 43+ entries next year? Pretty much Germany, the UK, France, and Italy. However, only Italy has a shot at winning as opposed to a high placing. Yet, I don’t think RAI is in the mood to host again.

Back from adverts. The Rhine Trio intro Jan Guille, who is apparently Germany’s style guru. He apparently sings very nasal go-go music. It’s catchy as hell, and yet another reminder that Germany is multicultural, although the Germans aren’t trying to beat us over the head with it like Norway last year. I’m praying for a British, French, Irish, or Italian win so that we can have a country that isn’t obsessed with proving its multicultural credibility.

Germans in the crowd are going bonkers over Jan, so perhaps he might get the offer to represent Germany next year. Personally I’d like the Fantastic Four, but they’d never do Eurovision.

Jan really is performing well. Perhaps it is finally time a funk song wins.

The Rhine Duo toss us over the new scrutineer who “asks for more time.” They do some crap jokes about “douze points,” and pass us over to Blonde Fraulein who opens the wall between the stage and the green room. (And of course there had to be a “Berlin Wall” joke.) Sam mentions that Blonde Fraulein is a newsreader and ponders what it would be like having Lee Lin Chin presenting Eurovision.

Voting

I am just going to write notable stuff down, I’m getting my drink on.

RUSSIA: Dima still can’t speak English. 12 to Azerbaijan.
BULGARIA: 12 to the UK! Lee kisses the camera.
NETHERLANDS: 10 to Sweden? 12 to Denmark? How random.
ITALY: I love La Carra! 10 to the UK, 12 to Romania?
CYPRUS: He’s a suave one! 12 to Greece. Julia hates the booing.
UKRAINE: Ruslana’s English is not at all better. 12 to Georgia.
FINLAND: 10 to Ireland (about time)…12 to Hungary!
NORWAY: It’s Nadia again. 12 to Finland,. PO don’t care.

Back from adverts and its the standard “please vote for us, Australia” plea.

ARMENIA: will they vote for Azerbaijan? Nope, they won’t.
FYROM: 8 to Serbia! 12 to BiH.
ICELAND: Italy not really scoring. 12 to Denmark.
SLOVAKIA: she’s pretty. 8 to Ireland! 12 to Ukraine?
UNITED KINGDOM: 12 to Ireland!
DENMARK: 12 to Ireland!
AUSTRIA: Only 10 to Germany? 12 to BiH.
POLAND: Why do all the Polish spokespeople look depressed? 10 to Italy! 12 to Lithuania.
SWEDEN: Danny’s popular in the arena. 12 to Ireland!
SAN MARINO: 12 to Italy. Italians sedately happy.
GERMANY: 12 to Austria. Azeris seemingly unconcerned.
AZERBAIJAN: 12 to Ukraine.
SLOVENIA: Finally a reference to Stefan’s entry. 12 to BiH.
Australian presenters getting bitchy.
TURKEY: Let’s see if they give Azerbaijan 12? Yep, they did. Azeris happy.
SWITZERLAND: Germany 8? 12 to BiH?
GREECE: 10 to Italy! 12 to France!
GEORGIA: 12 to Lithuania. Happy happy Azeris.
FRANCE: 8 to Italy! Sweden 10? Spain 12!
SERBIA: 12 to BiH.
CROATIA: 10 to Azer-bay-jen, 12 to Slovenia
BELARUS: 12 to Georgia?
Australian presenters baffled that Georgia didn’t go down well in the hall.
ROMANIA: 12 to Moldova,
ALBANIA: Everyone likes Anke. 12 to Italy! Italians non-plussed.
MALTA: 12 to Azerbaijan. Azeris freaking out.
PORTUGAL: Crowd demanding 12 for Spain. And they get it.
HUNGARY: 12 to Iceland.
LITHUANIA: Hello Vilnius! 10 to Italy! 12 to Georgia.
BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: 10 to Serbia. 12 to Slovenia.
IRELAND: only 6 to the UK? FTS. 12 to Denmark.
SPAIN: 12 to Italy!
ISRAEL: 12 to Sweden.
ESTONIA: 12 to Sweden.
Australian commentators baffled at the appeal of Azerbaijan. Ditto.
MOLDOVA: 10 to Azerbaijan. 12 to Romania.
Sam calls it for Azerbaijan.
BELGIUM: 12 to France.
Azeris massively freaking out. They just won it.
LATVIA: 10 to Ireland. 12 to Italy.

Azerbaijan just won it with a Swedish-penned song. The EBU might clamp down on that rule soon.

Interesting to note that in going to Azerbaijan, the contest will be going the furthest East it can possibly go. Will Armenia join in? Doubt it.

Ell & Nikki freak out.

Now I wonder if we’ll actually have Azeri writers in 2012? Or even a song in Azeri?

I doubt it.

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One comment

  1. Runar · May 21, 2011

    Always enjoy your ESC reporting, cheers.

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